Are You Adapting or Disappearing?
Last time I wrote you, I shared how the ability to adapt—to sense what environments need and become that—can be a remarkable gift. But there's a shadow side.
The line between healthy adaptation and destructive people pleasing can become dangerously blurry.
When the Chameleon Gets Stuck
I've experienced this acutely during periods of burnout or overwhelm. In those moments, I stopped checking in with my own instincts. Instead, I defaulted to executing what seemed like the "safest" option—whatever I thought would please others or meet their expectations.
This loss of self wasn't limited to work decisions. I struggled with seemingly simple questions: What did I want for dinner? What did I enjoy doing for fun? Who did I actually like spending time with?
(I once found myself in tears trying to decide where to order takeout with my husband. "Thai or pizza?" became an impossible equation of what he might prefer, what seemed healthier, what we'd had recently, what would be easiest—everything except what I actually wanted to eat.)
The adaptation that had once been selective and strategic had numbed my broader instincts.
I'd stopped believing my opinions mattered compared to external, surface-level expectations.
What the World Actually Needs
Here's what I've learned through both triumph and breakdown: sometimes what the world actually needs is different from what it signals on the surface.
When your boss signals "we need you to absorb your departing colleague's workload too," what the organization might truly need is someone brave enough to say: "This is an opportunity to pause and revisit our structure."
When a team member signals they need you to have all the answers, what they might truly need is someone who asks: "What do you think?" and then guides them to a solution they can own.
When a culture signals you need to be constantly available, what it might truly need is someone with thoughtful boundaries who models sustainable, focused work.
The world doesn't just need chameleons. It needs people willing to be their own authentic color.
Reflection: Recognizing When You've Gone Missing
To determine if you're experiencing the costs of over-adaptation, try this guided inventory:
Energy Audit: For one week, notice which activities drain versus energize you. Are the draining activities often ones where you're highly adapted to others expectations?
Opinion Check: When someone asks for your preference today, notice your first instinct. Is it to search for what you genuinely think, or to calculate what response will be best received?
Boundary Audit: Think of a boundary you've been consistently flexible with, only to find yourself resentful later. What made you keep bending it? What would it feel like to recommit to yourself?
At what point did you realize adaptation had gone too far in your life? What signals helped you recognize it? I'd love to hear your experiences.