Ever feel like your boss doesn't get you?
You may have heard the saying, "people don't leave organizations, they leave bosses."
It reflects how important this key relationship (between manager and employee) is to our job satisfaction.
In fact, at least half of my clients were having some difficulty with their boss when they started working with me.
And yet, we have limited control over this relationship. We can choose a role because of the manager or leader of course...but even then, the manager can change.
So what to do when we have a manager that regularly misunderstands us? Or we regularly misunderstand them?
(Quick side note: this same suggestions below work for a colleague, neighbor, or family member that we rely on but don't share a reporting structure with.)
In working with this challenge, I often like to start with a common denominator. Fear.
No, I am not suggesting you start threatening your boss...let's not bring that day dream into fruition... 😂
I'm also not suggesting a deep analysis of your boss's childhood drama...because, yikes. Don't we have enough of our own to deal with? 🤣
Here is what I am getting at: the thing we humans have in common is that most of us spend a lot of our time in some level of survival mode.
The "default network" in our nervous system - what happens when nothing much else is going on - is scanning for threats. So our resting state is defensive.
And there are plenty of other things to add to our stress and drama ... we could all list at least 10 more, I'm sure.
So your boss is living in survival mode a lot.
Okay, "big whoop" you say. "I've got my own problems, I'm not worrying about theirs."
Fair. The last thing I want you to do is get all codependent with your boss. (if you aren't already...just saying...)
But here me out. Here are some things to know about your boss (and anyone) in survival mode.
When we are in survival mode we:
think mostly of ourselves, not others
tend to emphasize short-term benefits or gains in safety, control or approval.
seek out shortcuts to understanding and clarity (even if they are less accurate)
resist paradoxes or conflicting truths
look for confirmation that we are "right" (ie. safe, in control)
No wonder you don't like your boss. He sounds like a real jerk.
But this is our common humanity. This is what we do, automatically. For millions of years this behavior has kept us alive long enough to make and raise babies.
In my experience, just seeing someone’s survival habits clearly opens up tons of new possibilities for understanding them – and being more accurately understood by them.
So this week with your boss - or anyone who you seem to have regular misunderstandings – start to notice how they might be in survival mode.
You might specifically get curious about which basic needs they seem to be most concerned with:
Being right?
Being in control?
Having enough money/power/resources?
Getting and keeping approval of others? (maybe specific others)
Certainty and clarity?
Let me know what you discover…or email me if you can’t quite figure out how this fits into your specific scenario – I love a good challenge ;-).
Yours truly,
Marijke Ocean
P.S. Do you know anyone struggling to figure out - or get along - with a key person at work (a boss, an employee, a key business partner)? Contact me here and tell me a little more, I'd love to help!