How can I confuse myself about this?
A few months ago one my teachers, Diana Chapman, said to me: “I experience you as afraid to be as clear as you are.”
I was babbling about some confusion/question to her. That was her only answer. 😳😳😳
A little wave of embarrassment passed through me. And then I knew she was correct.
I got flashes of early career (and life) memories where I had been afraid to be clear.
The first year of I was a manager and had to give people constructive feedback.
The first time I told a manager I was leaving for another job.
Learning to disagree with people more powerful than me in meetings.
Not wanting to study pre-med anymore in college.
What Diana reflected back to me was this pattern:
I know something to be true. (“This performance is not acceptable.” “This job is no longer my learning edge.” “You are misunderstanding something essential.”)
I believe other people will not like what I have to say.
I CREATE confusion about what I know, in order to avoid or delay working with the truth.
In that flood of early career memories I saw the whole arc of this pattern clearly and I saw that the ending always worked out beautifully.
In some cases it took practice, experimentation or mentorship to figure out HOW to do it, but it the ending was always this:
Expressing the truth in words and/or actions is always a good idea.
Now when I feel confused in this particular way, instead of ruminating on how to “get clarity,” I chuckle and wonder instead – “what am I afraid to feel or who am I afraid to disappoint with my clarity?”
In fact I can even sometimes catch that moment between my knowing and my confusion. When I am aware that the knowing will create some discomfort and I feel the question percolating in my subconscious …. “How can I confuse myself about this, again?”
Confusion like this used to seem deadly serious. Now that I see it for what it is, it makes me giggle. 😊
Are you confusing yourself about anything right now? If so:
Check in with your core needs for approval, control and security.
Are you afraid to upset the apple cart of approval, control or security related to this are of confusion?
Love,
Marijke Ocean
P.S. Clients frequently work with me to get UNCONFUSED or figure out HOW to move forward with clarity in a constructive way. One client recently shared:
“Marijke's ability to listen, draw out complex concepts, and then provide tangible strategies for action - helped me identify and work on multiple personal or professional challenges.”
If you are curious about coaching or know someone who might benefit, the next step is an Explore Coaching session. It’s 30 minutes, completely free, and we discuss what challenges you have and whether or not coaching could be a good fit.