Where are you wrestling with a slight, resentment or frustration?
Your partner didn’t bring home the milk you asked for.
Your employee didn’t follow up about something you asked him to do.
Your colleague came to the meeting late, again.
Your company (or someone) has made a bad decision and you have to clean it up.
None of these situations feel good.
We typically respond to the unpleasantness with a familiar stream of mental acrobatics.
One common theme is – "how do I fix, change, or control this so it doesn’t happen again?"
Another common theme is – "I don’t have control, so how can I get rid of my bad feeling about it? Can I ignore it? Complain about it? Numb out and forget it?"
(I find people use both strategies but lean toward one more often. For example, I lean toward control first but when I’m a little more worn out I go to complaining and numbing.)
The emphasis in these strategies is eliminating the unpleasantness – trying not to feel bad.
This makes really good sense to me. In fact, the impulse to feel more joy and less pain is one of the most exciting and inspiring impulses we have.
The problem with these particular strategies (control or avoidance) is that they usually create a lot of other drama. They are (at best) quick fixes but with a negative residue.
Here is an alternative approach. It reaches more to the root of the problem.
In my experience, the relief is more profound and our reactions don’t have as many unintended complications.
(I often do this aloud with clients. But I also find journaling helpful.)
Ask the “5 Whys”. Regarding the issue, ask yourself, “why is this important to me?” And then after you give the answer, ask about that answer, “why is this important to me?” Get curious about the importance 5 times. Typically you will get down to a core need for control, approval, or security – but try for yourself and see what happens.
Complete this sentence: “The story I am telling myself about this issue is…”
Notice how you feel in your body when you tell this story. Do you feel hot, tingly, fidgety, nauseous, etc…? Label what you feel.
Now finish these sentences: “What I want is ….. And, what I really wish is….”
Pause. Can you see how you make total sense right now? For the moment, can you accept yourself for the stories you’ve created, how you feel and what you want?
After this reflection, see what happens. Maybe an action will occur to you or a fresh set of words will appear or a new story will unfold.
At the very least, the more closely you tune into your own reaction the more available you are to see other perspectives. This will inherently unlock new possibilities for dealing with the challenge.
Much love,
Marijke Ocean
P.S. When I'm really stuck in a situation, I usually need some support to work through these questions out loud with a guide. Coaching is a wonderful resource for this kind of thing. And, it will build up your resilience to work through increasingly big challenges independently. Find out more in an Explore Coaching session with me!