Saying no is hard!

‘Tis the season of invitations, obligations and commitments.

And it's got me thinking how hard it can be sometimes to say "no."

I've had a big work example this week.

I’ve been grappling with whether or not to extend a contract. It’s a really cool project, and I’ve been enjoying aspects of it quite a bit - but it is also interfering with some other commitments and priorities.

I was fairly clear that the best decision was to say no. (To not take the contract extension.) But I kept mentally negotiating alternatives with myself - partial yeses - that might work.

Still the truth remained - a clean “no” felt best. So why was I conflicted?

The reason this clear answer was so difficult to execute was that it put me in the crosshairs of one of the core human needs.

The need for approval.

I wanted to please the people on the other end of that contract.

I want to be liked. I don’t want to disappoint people.

Okay, let’s be honest it’s a little more extreme than that… deep down, I want all people, everywhere to be saying something nice about me.

(kidding...sort of…)

My need for approval is not a special affliction. This is a core need, hardwired into us.

We are a social species that relies on cooperation to survive and thrive. Not so long ago - being cast out of our social group would create real survival challenges and increase our chances of dying.

So getting along is designed to feel good. While potentially disappointing the social group is designed to feel risky and dangerous.

This shows up in big decisions - leaving a marriage or a prestigious, stable job.

And it shows up in little decisions - saying no to 3 thanksgiving dinners, sticking to a budget when shopping for the holidays.

Big or small, risking approval to give an honest “no” is important work.

It’s the same “muscle” that gives us the courage to stand up to bullies or disavow unfair systems.

It will probably never be “easy” work to risk losing approval - but with practice we can get better at “being afraid and doing it anyway.”

I did end up saying no to the contract extension. And so far none of the approval fears I had came to pass.

I feel that special kind of relief that comes from knowing I've done my right thing.

Is there anything you are thinking about saying “no” to?

What’s holding you back?

Love,

Marijke Ocean

P.S. Want more on this? Contact me here and I’ll send you the three things I did to get prepared to say “no.”