Saying the hard things.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about the difference between criticism and feedback. You can read that here.
The cliff notes version is this distinction:
Criticism is me telling you about you.
Feedback is me telling you about me.
As a follow up, I am sharing a few practical examples for both life and work. Along with an invitation: How can you shift to more feedback and eliminate criticism?
The feedback v. criticism nuance applies to negative and positive things, but let’s be honest…we have problems with the negative stuff so that's where my examples come from.
Here are just a few over-simplified examples that I think help illustrate the nuance.
Criticism: You never share your feelings.
Feedback: I feel lonely when I share something a little vulnerable and you don't reciprocate.
Criticism: You're not doing enough/don't help me/need too many reminders.
Feedback: I need help today. I'm feeling overwhelmed.
This could totally apply at work too:
Criticism: You need to be more responsive.
Feedback: When I don’t hear from you, I worry that we aren't on the same page.
Criticism: You are taking credit for things that we did as a team.
Feedback: When I heard you say “I did XYZ” during the presentation, I started having a story that you don’t value the work of the team.
We grow, and others grow, when we think and speak in terms of feedback (our own experiences) rather than criticism (“you/them/they").
You'll notice that feedback requires you to be more honest and vulnerable than criticism. You have to share about yourself instead of point the finger at others.
This fact alone may stir up some interesting resistance in you. And depending on the culture of your workplace or your family - it might stir up some resistance from others.
But the evidence is clear - criticism creates a response in our brains and our bodies that is akin to fear. And it will decimate creativity, connection, and flexibility. It's simply not useful.
Learning to speak in terms of your own experience is useful.
And it might be just what the world needs right now.
Would you be willing to give it a try?
Xoxo,
Marijke Ocean