What can I do that isn't toxic positivity and isn't complaining?

If you are facing any tough times - I have a little 3 step process to help you below.

And just to show you I only recommend "medicine" I'd take myself...

Here's a little slice of what's up in my neck of the woods and how I am using those 3 steps to find some peace.

In our home, we have been - still are - cycling through all kinds of seasonal illness. It's normal. But knowing that doesn't make it feel good or easy.

Usually at some point in this normal unfolding of colds & flu (for instance...now) I feel particularly discouraged.

Intellectually I know this will change - as all things do.

Intellectually I know we will not be sick forever.

But inside me there is also a pouty one, feeling angry and sad. She doesn't know that it will end.

Trying to convince her to "cheer up" feels like a pretty solid example of toxic positivity.*

But wallowing in despair and self-pity also doesn't feel right.**

The fact that I even come up with these two extremes is telling.

I often go to all-or-nothing thinking when I'm under stress.

So I'm exploring the middle way.

And - eek! - I thought I'd share it with you in real time. Or as the cool kids would say it - IRT.

1 - I'm starting with - truth. What is it really like right now?

This is hard. I don't like it. I want it to be another way.

2 - Next - awareness. What stories am I telling myself about how it is?

I'm afraid it won't get better. And then - this one feels a little scarry to share - I'm afraid that people won't like me if I'm not upbeat and happy.

3 - Finally - love. Can I meet this with tenderness?

For me some natural warmth and care arises out of seeing that last fear clearly.

I can see how often I've hidden my own difficulties from friends & colleagues out of fear that I will become undesirable in their eyes.

And I can feel how much I've used shame and judgement internally to try and get rid of hard emotions and power through hard circumstances. Ouch.

I can meet these hard memories and this present day hard experience with love. And see how much I'd rather be wholehearted than smiling-all-the-time.

When I first started this practice - the love was harder to find. I was better at being hard on myself than being kind.

In those moments though, I could sense a little relaxing of judgement when the light of awareness showed me my fears. And that did feel better.

Any how - I hope that sharing this experience IRT is helpful.

The steps - Truth. Awareness. Love. - are time tested and I believe you can trust them to help you in a hard time too.

Pro-tip: It's helpful to practice on a small hard thing before you tackle your biggest hard thing. Or find a friend (🙋‍♀️) that might go through it with you.

Sending you all my love,

Marijke Ocean