Finally, a Definition of Perfectionism that I Relate to
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles in the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.- Mary Oliver, "Wild Geese"
This week I am diving into the tale of how I was in denial about being a perfectionist for oh, about 35 years, and finally heard a definition that I could relate to.
This has opened up a world of new understanding about how I let myself be controlled by irrational thoughts and in doing this show up as a less good version of myself.
Despite the fact that my first therapist, as a parting gift when she was leaving the university mental health clinic, gave me a book called The Art of Imperfection, I did not until recently strongly identify with the title “Perfectionist.”
In my mind perfectionists would be super controlling people with extremely clean houses and their desks would never have piles of papers and sticky notes covering them. Also their purses would be incredibly clean, minimal and organized. Same goes for their cars and their closets. No extra junk in the trunk unless it was all ordered in a well-appointed trunk organizer.
Also she would have impeccable hair and makeup and like to iron her clothes, maybe even her sheets. She would have crazy good routines - dishes always washed before bed, bathroom cleaned every weekend, up early to do yoga and meditation before she starts her day, organizes her planner and to do list before bed.
Plus she would always produce incredible work, know what she needs to know, navigate ambiguous social and political situations with ease, parent with confidence, kindness, and comfort.
And since a true perfectionist was all the things above “that I am not,” I was able to believe confidently that I am not a perfectionist.
Despite the fact that I am a Virgo, first child, woman who struggles with definitions of achievement, success, and feeling good enough, loveable enough, accomplished enough….(AND MY THERAPIST GAVE ME A BOOK….) I still did not think I was a perfectionist.
This is hysterical to me now. So. Freaking. Hysterical.
I finally heard a description of perfectionism that released all blocks and resistance I had to the term in a great interview of Brené Brown. She explains to Oprah, her definition of perfectionism: “Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence, or healthy striving,….[it’s the belief that] If I [do it all perfect] I can avoid or minimize shame, blame and judgement.”
Perfectionism is about trying to be a person in the world BEYOND the judgement of others.
Oprah adds to this, “Perfectionists have the ultimate fear that the world is going to see them for who they are and they aren’t going to measure up.”
Oh, wow. Like an arrow to the heart. Queue Lauryn Hill singing her hit “Killing me Softly”…
It’s actually some bizarre kind of relief to hear it described in this way that I so fully relate to.
Often when I am coaching people I talk about the power of having a light shined on something (usually a conflict or problem). How just naming it creates so much space. It opens up the possibilities for more understanding and resolutions.
In these situations I don’t usually say that the real trick to this is naming/shining the light without judgement. (Doesn’t that make it sound so much harder?)
I usually just model it - I name what I see without judgement. So that we can talk about the feelings behind the frustrations and get to the heart of things.
Brené spoke my truth without judgement. Oh yes, that is what I am afraid of - I am afraid to be seen. I am afraid when you really see me, you will be disappointed in me.
When it is said so simply and so clearly - the light shined upon it - I can see that this fear, this feeling, is just as sweet and tender as any other fear, or joy.
All of a sudden, after so many years, I can start to notice this fear and tend to it more like a mother or a sister instead of pushing it down, hiding it away, turning my back on it in shame.
Fear of being seen keeps us small. It keeps us from doing the work we are meant to do. It keeps us from being leaders people need us to be. It keeps us half-hidden. What I like about having this light on in my life, is that I am prepared to be in a day to day struggle with perfectionism, but now I have a new impulse to get out of the shadows whenever I notice the opportunity.
Impulse and action are sometimes oceans apart. I might be in a situation and notice - oh, here I am hiding in this way - and now alongside my fear is also a kind sisterly voice seeing my fear and giving a hug and a nod of encouragement. I start to think how I might step out of the shadows. In this moment, I might show myself or maybe not. But the light is showing me the way.
Love,
Marijke Ocean Joy
P.S. Dear one, if you are curious about how to transform your relationship to perfectionism so that you can live a more beautiful, satisfying, and wholesome life consider a free mini-session with me to see if coaching could help you chart a new course.