Getting out of your boss's drama: A true story
I'm a little nervous to share this story because the lessons of it could easily be misinterpreted.
Starting to really see the core motivations of the people around you - including your boss - is extremely powerful. And once you start to do it, it becomes a "with great power comes great responsibility" kind of situation.
That disclaimer out of the way...let me tell you about a time I used awareness of my boss's particular survival triggers and habits to help me manage up more elegantly.
(If you missed my post about being misunderstood by your boss a couple of weeks ago...this story builds on that theme.)
Once upon a time, I had boss who was really competitive with this other department.
I would show up to our 1-on-1 meetings with an update about some substantive issue that needed to be resolved between the departments. I'd arrive with interest and curiosity, ready to problem solve. He would respond with a plan for an epic battle to prove our department was right and the other department was wrong.
This often resulted in me doing things, at his request, that felt like a waste of time and (I imagined) threatened my professional reputation. In other words...I ended up in my very own survival drama!
Once I noticed how important it was for him to be "right" I shifted our dynamic in simple ways:
Found other advisors to think creatively with when I wanted to explore possibilities
Chose more neutral language to give updates and report on meetings with this other department so that I didn't unintentionally dramatize issues.
Adjusted my updates to emphasize areas of confidence and certainty.
When sharing details of a compromise between our departments, I prioritized why I considered the resolution a "win" for us.
Now I wasn't hiding issues from him and I wasn't inflating our position.
In the beginning I brought him interesting challenges because I like interesting challenges and I assumed that he would too. I also like collaborating, I assumed he would too.
I had been essentially curating an update to bring him things that were fun and interesting (to me)...but he was responding with fear.
I shifted to curate an update that highlight how I, and my team, had command and control. And I spoke more assertively about the issues that were still getting worked out.
This allowed me, and my team, to keep exploring and working on the interesting challenges without getting sucked into a battle.
Have you ever found yourself sucked into your boss's drama?
If you want some help picking out the patterns or coming up with strategies to create a shift, just write to me on my contact page. I'd love to help.
Much love,
Marijke Ocean
P.S. This blog builds upon a note I sent a couple of weeks ago about how we can detect the survival based reactions and habits of the people around us gives us. It applies to our bosses, our colleagues, and anyone close to us. If you are wondering if this applies to a situation you find yourself in, write to me here with some details and let's see what we can figure out together!