You are building capacity, right now!
I see your pain, and its big. I see your courage, and it’s bigger. You can do hard things.
- Glennon Doyle
It’s March 19, 2020 and we are in the midst of a global pandemic.
Fortunately, I have a spot of good news. You are building capacity right now. We all are building capacity right now because we are all doing many things for the first time.
For instance, we are expanding our abilities to:
Be alone
Be together
Work with fear
Create new routines or rhythms
Handle increased stress
Cope with isolation
Interact virtually
Connect virtually
Interact with our kids, our housemates, our partners with fewer distractions and breaks
Does it feel hard sometimes? Well, that’s because building capacity is hard.
Learning a new thing can be quite uncomfortable. And for those of us that are used to being pretty proficient at work, or life, it’s even more unsettling. So unsettling that many people avoid choosing to learn something new as they age.
And here we all are being “voluntold” to build capacity in a lot of new ways.
Uncomfortable as it is…learning something new keeps us younger, healthier, happier and more fully alive. And I promise you, what you are learning will get easier. Truly, it will get easier.
As my kids started the week home together, arguments and whining were on the rise. They needed almost constant support to work through conflicts. If I needed an uninterrupted period to work, screens were my best bet.
But when I could afford the interruptions, I removed the screens so they could figure out how to play – alone or together. They’ve been building capacity to play cooperatively, listen to each other’s needs, and compromise.
As I write this they have been playing pretend together for an hour and a half. (I’m amazed!) Yesterday they played independently for 45 minutes while I talked to a colleague.
We will come out of this better at so many new things. But right now, it might just feel hard.
So how to manage our frustration while we build capacity?
Name it. Always a favorite place to start for me. Name what is happening and acknowledge the difficulty. I am building capacity to __________ right now, and building capacity (learning something new, developing a new skill) is hard.
Titrate. As in learn your new skill in small doses when you can. This was at work with my kids re-learning how to play alone/together. I gave them time to figure things out (including some frustration) but also didn’t require them to struggle all day long. We can offer this same thing to ourselves. Let’s say you are trying to figure out new technology solutions – work on it for a period of time, a little frustration is ok, but it’s also ok to take a break and default to the tools you know and are familiar with, before attempting the new technology again.
Know the natural learning curve. First things feel awkward. We are all in this place right now. Next things will feel mechanical. Eventually things will feel natural. Be realistic about where you - and others - are and offer some patience and kindness
Expect an initial increase in difficulty when you start to apply yourself in any capacity building. When my kids started interacting more often, the arguments and frustrations rose for everyone (me included…) before they got better. In general, we are likely to find things harder than we expect – so there is a secondary frustration in the fact that our expectations aren’t met. On top of that, as you start to learn something new you go from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence. Typically conscious incompetence is a little more aggravating. Hence, the phrase “ignorance is bliss.” So manage your expectations – it won’t be a straight line from newbie to expert.
I hope this helps you my dear friend.
Much love,
Marijke Ocean Joy
P.S. It's close quarters and tensions are on high at work and at home. Do you need some extra support from someone who is showing up just for you? I'd be honored to be there for you - check out a free mini-session.